you know you
have
hit
a low
in life
when
you use the
cheap
plastic
airplane headphones
on a
daily basis
is this
a terrestrial
planecrash
is this
neurosis
maybe
but
these days
i’ve been
salivating
at
pill bugs
leggy
rush
a throat tickle
would be worth
all of it
i’ll
take
what
i can get
because i
know
i can’t count
on
myself or
anything
to be home
or here
today
or tomorrow
so long as
i am
around
there’ll always be
a spinning
fan
to hit
above me
i’ll resolve to
put this
light
down
and go outside
or
out of sight
this time
I’ll pull
the feathers
out from
my pillow
from beneath my
head
and
fill
my fingers
full
maybe
then
everything i
touch
would not
tend to
rot to soot
so much
maybe i could
learn to
fly
with this
if only
i was not
so pinned under
glass
and porcelain
the basin of the
bathtub
porcelain
i was
lain
feet starring
headlong into the
drain
and
oh
to move
and inch
would
render me
down the throat of
a claw-footed
beast-of-a-
life
so
maybe
i will
resolve
to
pick the
matchbox
back up
god
i will
always
be the one to
jump ship
i am always
jumping ship
with no
thought of it
so
claustrophobic
its claustrophobia
the ribbon around
me
and
them
felt more like
silken
abandonment
i’ll give it
to them
yeah i
will
don’t bother dropping your
anchor
down
don’t come
in
after me
i won’t be
around
the daybreak
oh
these days
i’ll except it
like no other
days
i expect it
like
circus nausea
but still i
huff in
the nighttime
like a child
lost
but newly
found
so deeply
seeded
in the folds of the
evening
we were
meant to be
me
and a
upended
blacked out
rooftop’s ceiling
while my skin
lays
peeling
from a
lie in
with the
sunman
shone
but gutted
i’ll wait
for the
night to
retie the
ribbons in my
eyelashes
so the
dreams
tangled
in my
head
won’t keep
spilling onto
asphalt
roadkill
skin and
hairs
shed
another missing
family pet
another
thought
lost to the
moans and
machines
of sleepless men
pink eyed
and
pottery barn
cutlery
cluttering their
misery
they’ll double
take
and take their
time
but resolve
to keep on
driving
without
technically
looking back
i am
anxious
and i am
trying not to
give in
its just
my
nerves
licking my
eyelids
oh
don’t mind
them
oh don’t
mind me
my
skin
or
eyes
or teeth
my
my
mouth
or bones
oh
don’t mind
any of
me
i am
anxious oh but
i
oh i really
do
but i mean
well
im a little
paranoid
paranoid
paranoid
paranoid
the steps
on your
stairwell
im paranoid
but i mean
well
i really
do.
shit
my stomach just
dropped out from
beneath
me
the
soul stopped
taking in
air
or
anything
inside an
elevator
stuck
there is the
claustrophobia
again
god
its like
dying or
who
knows
being born
again
a four walled
womb
with closed doors
out
of it
can see
myself
looking back
up at
me
i am
out of it
and my
heart just
crawled
up my throat
wiping it
all on my sleeve
my heart on
my sleeve
a stain i
puked up
without
control
god
where is
my finger bone
in times like these
signing lullabies
to
myself
inna fit of
dry heaves
when you
leave
me
i do
too
god
im huddled inna
ceiling corner
gone fetal
locked up
im
fucked up
in this
i am
forcing tears out of pinholes
forcing teefs to fit
faulty molds
it
was not
supposed to
be
like this.
by night
we are seeing it
reeling in it
all wrapped up
but so
eluding to our
inner
youth
me and
you
we are
tied to this
by darkness
tried
everything
by darkness
we are
seeing
everything
that is
missed
in day
can be seen
by night
elementary
black top
in nights
were made for
the adolescence
inside of us
basketball courts
are made for
downing
forties
and drowning in
loneliness
and dealing
at night
dealing the
drugs
dealing into
girls
Madeleine
mary jane
and
molly
maybe
me
maybe
the drinking
fountains
are for
chasing
the
crack jaws
out of
their thirst
not for
chasing
the
thirst
out of
taggers
in child’s play
are we
six years old
again
or just
losing
six years
off of our
lives
just one more
cigarette
this is the
last time
our
nightly lines
say it again
again
again
again
oh but we will
do it all
again
again
again
night after
night
night
night
pour me
anew
like molten medal
reorganizes itself
the
changes
can’t recognize
myself
or you
the changes
oh how they
erase the
soft
demise
comes and then
goes
cums and then
drowns
kill me
quickly
its sunday
and it is
black
blacked out
on the
elementary
black top
black ground in the
cemetary
its asphalt
its cinder blocks and
crack rocks
piled up and then
ground down
for a
sandbox day gleam
boxed in
quicksand
i can’t
stand in it
can’t stand this
nostalgic
magic trick
a bad
trip
the children they
date their
mosaics
the children
oh ‘93
oh how they have
outlived
their childhood
i think we’re
learning lessons
that we
could not learn
out of
adolescence
i think that
we’re
getting better
with every
hit
every bottle
every line
a little
younger
a little
younger
every night
a little younger
and a little lighter
run your hands
around mine
like circles
linger a little longer
another finger
quicker
and sipping my
eyelids
in
like liquor
but thicker
you’ll never swallow this,
im sure of
it.
i will
still
be around
when she comes down
from that stoop
the
last step she is
sitting upon
oh i will
still
be around
when you
follow it
even if i am
hollow
i will
follow this,
you.
will i
die for
you?
probably
i’ll still
be around
probably.
i’ll show
what is sitting
beneath
this,
the
afterglow
oh
we were
overboard
that evening
nightfall
overblown
but i think
that is
the only way we
would truly
see it
for what it
really is.
you are the
monster that
hides
under my bed
and spat
in my eye
at night
and soon i will
be
just
the skeleton
just another
skeleton
in your closet
swaying like a
pendulum
keep the door
cracked
just a sliver
i want to see
her
body
quiver
when you give it
to her
and
that is it
my soul is
waning
the drop off
you
dropped me off
in the middle of
the street
in the middle of
the night
that night
last night
or was it
three months
ago
would you
let go
of me
for her
for anything
you would
oh
you would
would
would
would
all for
something
was it
something
i said
some hole i
left
cigarette burns
straight through
your clothes
your skin
your soul
to the core
of the earth
can we
make ends
meet?
should i write it
all
off
should i get back on
that
carousel
sometimes i
laugh
like a clown
chained up
but do you
truly
think
i’m happy
for any of
this?
the smile
is pained
my teeth are
waning
maybe its
a dream
is that the
sky
or a
ceiling?
beam,
can we jump it
will i
make it
god
i am
crying
and its all
pouring
down
the drain
like water
i’ll
write it all
off
as
sink spew
that’s all
i
ever was
to you.
i think i
am
going to be
sick
again
i think im going to be sick
again
let’s just
stand up to
this
glands strung out on
something
what was it
what was it
and who is
she
she is
killing this
she’s killing you
for me
and i think
i am
going to be
sick
with this
without you
was willing
to see it
to take a hit
you
crossed the line
inhaled it
took her
with you
and left
me
lying in
pseudo light
under a
street sign
in a car’s
shadow
heeled over
i thought i saw
Ted Bundy
prowl
right by me
it was him
and i
thought
to myself
im losing it
and when you
shouted to
the stars
i felt like
my name
wasn’t tied to
me
and the man in the suit
well you
let him walk on
why are you so
hung up
on
masks
its a fixative
its latex
it all
falters at night
our faults
the alcohol
it knew you best
and i think i
am going to be
sick
and think i
already am
my fingers
bled
and by the light of
day
i knew
it
red
and when
i bled
in nights
it looked
purple
and i thought
it was finger
paint
from
a headlong
throwback
to days
as a kid
panting this
new rotten day
purple
maybe if i could
i want to
start the
day
for once
for now
i am
waiting
for it to
end
the
best doctors
tell the
worst lies
and i thought
the
scent
of the
lilies
perched
by your
head
stone
smelled
more like
life
than that
dosage
you swallowed
i thought
the
woodgrain in your
casket
looked more like
life
than that
damn hospital
cot
i think you’ve
got it
better
now
i’ll tell you
that
i said
your
laundry was
done
and you sighed
a yes
in agreeance
in knowing
and i thought
your voice
shivered
as if
i had
told you
that your
pet fish
had drowned
in its
own bowl
by its
own
hand(?)
the plane was
boarding
and i was
boarded up
in my
head
claustrophobic
and
jaded
i thought
to myself
or maybe
it was
outloud
“god
i hope
this plane
crashes
and that
this body
burns up
so there is
no
evidence
of this
mess
that
i am”
oh
then
why
did my
stomach
lurch
so much
in turbulence
if i
wanted
out
so bad?
